The Hierarchy of Me

Yeah, yeah – just me checking in to whine yet again. But hopefully some of you out there can relate to the ping-pong game my brain is going through lately.  I thought I was good with the whole process that my husband was going to go through. I thought I had a plan in place I was comfortable with. Then we got firm dates and my mind went BLAAAARGGGHH!

I was talking to my friend yesterday, and told her that, like everyone, I have many Cates. In order, there’s Mommy Cate, Wife Cate, Worker Cate, and Writer Cate. Writer Cate already got shoved aside for awhile, and let me tell you, she’s ticked about it. But until she starts paying a bigger portion of the bills, she can sit back and shut up.

But now Worker Cate is going to take a hit. She’s not nearly as mad about that, but where anger lacks, guilt reigns supreme. Not to toot my own horn, but  I have a lot of folks who rely on me here at the Not-So-Evil Day Job, and I am going to start disappearing for weeks at a time.  This brings out someone who should be at the bottom of the hierarchy, but who’s very loud and obnoxious – Guilty Cate.  She’s bitching and moaning about missing work and not writing both, so she gets very irritating.

Mommy Cate and Wife Cate are at odds right now. Right or wrong, being a mom has always been top priority since Son #1 showed up. The husband and I agreed that throughout the transplant process, it is of utmost importance to keep the kids’ lives as stable as possible. We don’t want them missing school any more than we can help it. However, Wife Cate is insisting she needs to be with her husband while he gets tested for his upcoming procedure, and she beat the mom side of me hands down. Giving Guilty Cate more to complain about. Oy!

This all leads to all the Cates coming together as one entity – Insane Cate. Thank God for pharmaceuticals, baby!

By the way, for those of you confused by the stem cell transplant process, here is a quick primmer (as best as I understand it):

Step 1 – DH is given chemo and “growth factor” to grow more stem cells

Step 2 – Stem cells are collected – we think inpatient – through a process called pheresis, in which his blood is pumped out of him, the stem cells are collected, and the blood is pumped back into him. Yummy. This should take about a week.

Step 3 – He checks into the hospital, gets about 5 days of intense chemo which kills his bone marrow. He will have no immune system, so will need to be in isolation. The stem cells are then injected back into his body, and will slowly rebuild his bone marrow – healthy, we hope. This should take about 2 months, during which time he will be very weak and susceptible to disease.

We hope to see him more than once or twice during this process, but due to distance, the kids and I will not be able to make it there often. And thank God for a ton of great neighbors and friends willing to watch pets and our house when we do have to be gone!

So that’s it in a very large nutshell. Is it any wonder I’m nuts?


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